I've realized over the past several months just how difficult it is to blog with young kids. Kudos to all the moms who do it, and create read-worthy blogs while raising children. I haven't had time or energy to post, but lately have been feeling the need to express myself, even if it's just to the blogosphere. Hubby has been working tons of long hours, so the days stretch into weeks and before I know it, I haven't spoken to another adult unless it had to do with the kids for much too long. When he comes home from work, he has just enough energy to play a couple of table games with the kids, eat supper, finish paperwork and hit the sack. I'm grateful that he works so hard for our family, but I know I'm going to have to do something about some one on one with him, because he'll never do it. There just aren't enough hours in the day. The kids take up every ounce of my time and energy but there has to be a bit left over for us, right? Homeschooling 4 of them and still nursing the twins...it's a lot. Soon they'll be gone and I get this feeling my husband and I will glance over at each other one day and say "Who are you again?" Hopefully we'll also say, "Hey, you're kinda cute...want to hang out?"
Anyway, I've been mulling over my options lately. A lot of it is just simple dreaming. Of course I don't have time to get that degree I've always wanted. Besides, I keep changing my mind about what I want to be when I grow up, so pursuing a degree in anything might be a waste of time. There are so many, many things I'm curious about and interested in, but at some point one gets saturated and uninterested. Do I really want to spend my time on something I'll be sick of before it's done? That may sound non-commital, but at this point I'm already full up and have plenty to do, so again, I have the luxury to simply dream about what I might want to do someday. I also feel that life is so fleeting, and is going by at warp speed, so whatever I do, I better make it good. Right now, that means being here with my kids and living fully engaged with my family. There are moments when I need a little break from that, but for the most part, it's the greatest thing.
I'm feeling rather out of shape because I don't have a formal exercise regime right now, for probably the first time in my life since junior high. I enjoy working out, but my kids take all my energy right now. I fully realize that my strength comes from the Lord and I want to be strong in that way, not just physically. Of course, as any mama knows, one needs a certain measure of physical strength to be able to get up day after day and care for your family, and often night after night when they are sick one after the other, or as the other night, when I had two babies puking on me simultaneously. This is something most daddies aren't too familiar with, as most moms I've spoken to have husbands who are very sound sleepers. Me, on the other hand, I hear everything. The cat, locked in a kid's room who scratches at the door at 4 a.m. or who has taken to prowling the halls at night yowling sadly for some attention. I know how he feels, but for pete's sake, it would be great if he would just shut up so I could sleep. I know that at any given moment one of the kids is going to need me, so I need to nap while I can. Hubby is tired, but really, I'm not sure men understand the strength it takes to be a mama, unless they are single dads. A mom is on call 24/7, 365. While his routine changes up from time to time, mine is virtually the same day in and day out. That takes strength. Whether it's driving all the kids to their practices in the city after a morning of schooling, spending the weekends in the hockey arena or band stage, staying in to catch up on housework and laundry after a week of intense learning (see, I do get to go to school), or doing all these things after weeks of getting up night after night to deal with babies who are too stuffed up to breathe and can barely nurse. One does need strength and sometimes all it takes for me is to recall a memorized verse or say a quick prayer. I know God helps me even when I forget to ask Him. I'm pretty sure He gets it, since He never sleeps either.
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